As it were…

My son, do not let wisdom and understanding out of your sight, preserve sound judgment and discretion; they will be life for you, an ornament to grace your neck.

Proverbs 3:21-22

If this your first experience with this series “Letters to my son” you may want to start with the preface, it’ll explain a lot about what’s going on here. Let’s get started.

This post isn’t a long dialog about how to be a pro partner. It’s simply a collection of tips on how to be a good partner to a woman.

Back Scratches

Ok, for those of you that have worn sport socks, you know how your legs itch like crazy when you take them off after a long day? They’ve been squeezing your legs all day, and you don’t really notice until you take the off.

Bras do the same thing to the wearers back. When that clasp comes undone after a long day, a scratch where those straps were is ridiculously pleasurable. This is not a sexual thing, and if its coming off at the end of a long day, it’s unlikely to become sexual. Take this opportunity to NOT try to make it sexual. Scratch how they like it. Maybe gentle, maybe sharp, just ask and listen.

They will appreciate several things from this exchange.

1. It just feels so good.
2. Making it about them, and not you (no sex)
3. The fact that you thought about it, and recognized something about them.

Foot Massages

Many women wear high heels, and many of them become really comfortable with them. That said, anything higher than an inch or two isn’t really a natural position for human feet. Even regular wearers get sore feet.

Take some time to massage their feet when the time is right. In my experience, unless it’s inconveniencing them, the time is almost always right. Here are some examples.

1. She comes home from work, kicks off the shoes and flops in a chair. Because you’re a planner, you swing the foot stool around, sit on it, and pick up a foot and gently begin to massage it. THEN YOU ASK “is this ok?” Consent matters, everywhere all the time. Maybe it hurts too much and she needs you to stop. But you’ve done several things here. You were thoughtful, you took initiative, and you gave her the opportunity to say no. The third thing there makes the first two winners, even if she says no.
2. She’s in bed feet sticking out of the covers. You’re coming in after brushing teeth or whatever. Rather than tickle, just pick up a foot and start massaging. Again you ask, because it’s what you do, but getting a massage in her own bed on her own pillow with her own book from her own partner is usually a winner.
3. Pretty much anywhere she’s barefoot and stationary for a while. Watch for opportunity.

Freedom To Change

This one isn’t really just for women, but for all partners. Something cool about long term relationships is that you get to know someone deeply. Something dangerous about long term relationships is the expectation that once you know someone, that person will never change.

“Ugh, I don’t ever want steak again”.

“What?!? You love steak! For 35 years you’ve loved steak! I feel like I don’t even know you!”

There’s a fine line between knowing them well enough to plan something they’ll love, and being willing to re-learn things about them. Things maybe you never knew, or that have changed. People who feel penned in, held rigid in a relationship often begin to feel like they relationship doesn’t fit them anymore. Then they start looking for one, OR simply live a miserable life.

If you can allow that person and that relationship to flex and bend and change as people change, it can be one that fits forever.

“But can I tell if they’re changing?” you ask.

One way is to watch for it. Everyone changes through their life. Music tastes, food tastes, entertainment, culture, sex, etc. But even then assuming is dangerous, so you have to talk about it. And when you open the conversation about it, it shows you care, and they’re important to you, which is a big win right there.

Purpose

Your reason for doing things like the ones I’ve listed above is important. If you do it to be the cool partner, assuming she’ll brag about awesome you are, or worse, bragging yourself about how awesome you are, and how she BETTER love you, since you’re awesome… Your relationship will fail.

This stuff needs to come from love. From making her first, making her important to you, giving her needs, feeling, and emotions value.

It’s a bit ironic that if you do these things to be great, you will not, but if you do them for the right reasons, you’ll be a great partner.