I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about grief lately, what with my Mom dying and all. I think I’ve been thinking about it because I’m not really feeling it.
Rather than simply feeling guilty about not feeling all that sad about my Mom, I’ve put some thought into why I don’t. I’ve had years to deal with this. I did feel pretty bad 5 years ago when I found out she had a brain tumor. But I’ve had 5 years to get used to the idea, prepare for it, talk to my kids about it, etc. I’m ready.
It can be kind of awkward talking to people who assume (logically) that I’m really torn up about it. I don’t want to come off as cavalier when people ask me about her, but I don’t want to pretend to be more sad than I am just to suit their preconceptions either.
Part of the purpose of this post is to inform You, Dear Reader, that I do appreciate your prayers, your concern, your empathy, and your support. On the same note, I’m really doing just fine; Life is good. So thanks for your thoughts and prayers, and please don’t think me a jerk for not looking too sad. 🙂
God not only prepares His saints for their homegoing, but He also prepares us for their departure. I learned so many lessons about my own faith during mom’s final months, I almost felt guilty. I’ve also not caught myself picking up the phone to tell her something. God got me ready for her to be gone as He was preparing her for the journey.
So, no – you’re not a jerk. You’re living the Word, which says to “sorrow not, even as those who have no hope.”
I know what you mean about that, I lost my dad a while back, and I’d discussed with a friend of mine who was orphaned at a young age how what you feel, and when you feel it, and what people imagine or expect you to feel have pretty much nothing to do with each other
It may never hit you, or it may come when you least expect it. Either way, the right way to grieve is your way, between you and the Lord, and not according to the expectations of anyone else.
1 Thessalonians 4:13 in the NIV says “Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope…”
It doesn’t say we will not grieve at all. It says we will not grieve like the rest of men…
When my grief hit me God drew me closer to him and carried me through. It was a sweet time between the two of us and I learned many lessons. I don’t think I was a “bad Christian” for struggling with it.
I have wondered as well, if grief isn’t a very different experience between the genders??
Just more thoughts to add to the hopper on this topic people seem to not talk about too much…..
I lost my mom fairly suddenly – an unexpected stroke and nine days later she was “home”.
While not necessarily being drained with grief, I can still tear up hearing her favorite hymns “when the roll is called up yonder”, and “I am going to a ciy where the roses never fade”.
She was always prepared to go at any time, and was like Paul, ready to die, but feeling that there was so much to do.
The most difficult time was during her unconscious state – knowing that if she had the least bit of awareness, she would be wishing she could be “useful”.
So our prayers are with you, whether feeling grief, or not, that if God wills, you mother will live, and if not that you will declare God’s glory through her memory and your lives.
Your Mom knows you love her and she~~you. You need to be whom she and your dad raised you to be. You can not live your life doing what others expect. But of what God and you require of yourself. Sometimes I think others need comforting and are projecting that on you. Comfort them if they need it and it will bless both of you.
Lovingly,
Cousin Sandi
I understand the preparation thing. I’ve put a good bit of thought into why I responded in a similar way to my Grandfather’s death. He was, in many ways, a role model to me. I spent whole summers under his authority and accomplished things that I wouldn’t have thought I could. I also learned a lot about humanity.
Still, when he died, I’d been expecting it. He had MS for as long as I had known him and it had been slowly taking away his health for just as long. It was a miracle that he lived as long as he did. I guess I saw him as a gift each year he recovered from his winter slump and I got to see him. Now I look forward to seeing him, but in much better health.
Anyway, I agree. It is kind of a strange feeling, but to reference The Nerd Handbook you mentioned, the system was built and acted as I expected so far, I expect it to be completed in heaven.